well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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