Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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