I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I FOUND THE LEGS
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
