I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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