You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
