what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
