last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize