Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
