Swine flu. Run for my life!
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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