i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I can't turn off my feet"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
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