Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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