Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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