3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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