LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
