I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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