last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
