I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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