He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
