cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Acid is not a monday night drug
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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