You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
