Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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