not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize