hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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