Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
