This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
