theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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