im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
