i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
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