Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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