i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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