I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
