and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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