Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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