I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
