I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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