the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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