The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
