My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
