cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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