omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
