New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
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