I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
