it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
