Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
