I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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