Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
There's always time for handjobs
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
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