An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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