I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
