laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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