Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
