apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
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