Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Randomize
