I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
