toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
farters have to be the big spoon...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
