Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
just won 30 on black! Ok adicteddd! Never coming back gqmbeqing is easy.
now my debit card is betting 1k whoops. im gongk eh be rich!!!
whoops didnt work. think the gambeli mashine is busters!! now im betting 2k?! bad idea?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
