He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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