I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Randomize
