I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
