VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
