I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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