Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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