you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
