TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Can you bring me the toilet please
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
