I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
