You can't motorboat a personality
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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