i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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