there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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