Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
someone threw a dead crab at me
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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