you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
