I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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