im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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